What I'm doing on my Christmas vacation

Nothing -- NOTHING -- is more fun than casually telling people, "Yeah, I'm going to Iraq next week." With most people, especially those who don't really know what I do for a living, you can see their wheels immediately start spinning: He's definitely not in the military, right? I mean, they still make you do pull-ups before they let you join the military, don't they? Is he engaging in some sort of freelance journalism? Is he just going for fun? Is he making this up?

Of course, what I'm actually doing is joining my boss on a USO tour. USO tours are run by the Sergeant Major of the Army -- this is a legit Pentagon thing, and the itinerary was e-mailed to me from a .mil address -- but it's about as far from "going to war" as you can get. We -- and by "we" I mean some country musicians, some Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, a group calling itself Souljahz (a musical group consisting of three siblings from California), and Leanne Tweeden (at right -- note: in the future, this blog will be far less pulchritude-centric).

My name is Barr. My boss's name is Franken. He's a comedian, as you probably know, and a liberal, as you probably know, but for him, and therefore for me, the tour is about the comedian thing and not about the politics thing. He's sort of the MC, the Bob Hope character. Lots of jokey jokes, lots of mild sexual innuendo, lots of opportunities for huge laughs, woofs, and cheers. My job is to help write the jokes, basically, and to talk with the troops, to have conversations that aren't about death and danger. And, in a pinch, I can fill in on drums for the country musicians.

The country guys tend to be, as Al puts it affectionately, "right-wing rednecks," and most of their songs are vaguely jingoistic.

To wit:



That's Darryl Worley, Al's best buddy on the tour. I have been assured that I am going to LOVE these guys, and I don't doubt it for a second.

But while Al always lets the question roll off his back -- he says he's never gotten any crap from the troops for being a liberal who's, uh, questioned the President's leadership in Iraq -- I'm still not real sure how to settle my own mixed feelings about the war, and when people ask what I'm thinking about this little adventure, I'm not sure what to say.

I have friends who are in the armed services, although probably fewer than most Americans my age, and every time I think about this war, I think about them first. It's hard to balance my almost physical urge to do something to make their lives a little happier with the growing suspicion that the best thing I could do for them is to tell everyone I can that their mission is a mistake. Either way, part of me is a little bit in awe of their sacrifice, one I'm not sure I could make, and a little bit ashamed of my inability to match it.

So, that's #1: guilt. The guilt of the guy who gets to leave after a couple weeks, who gets to go home to Minneapolis on a military jet that many of these guys my age over there probably see in their dreams, heading back to Wichita and Pensacola and Glendale.

#2, I imagine, will be pride. There's a reason Al has a hard time talking about the troops he meets without bursting into tears. Anyone who doesn't understand the positive impact our military has on so many young men and women just doesn't know anyone who's been in the military.

(#9999, by the way, will be fear. They take pretty good care of us over there -- we travel with high brass, we stay on bases, we travel by helicopter and not by Humvee. The last thing anybody wants is for Al Franken to get blown up in Iraq. Well, okay, the last thing anybody wants is for the cheerleaders to get blown up. But we all travel together. Please, DO NOT worry about me. Remember, I get to leave.)

But, anyway, I don't want to say too much about the war itself. That's not what this is about. I'd like for this blog to be about the experience. What's the food like on a military base (rumor has it you can get the world's best Indian food over there, since all the cooks are Nepalese)? What kind of people will I get to hang out with? Will I learn to use my new digital camera (my next post will be about the various forms of commerce I have engaged in in preparation for the trip)?

I just felt like I should sort of try to get it out of the way: I am a liberal who doesn't think this war was a very good idea, and who would just as soon we start thinking about ways to get out with as little damage done to the world as possible. But I love what the troops stand for in a way that goes beyond that which my liberal guilt demands. I'm privileged to be able to do anything I can to make their days a little brighter while I'm there.

And, yes, I will bring you back something.

UPDATE: Since I'm just learning how to embed YouTube clips, here's MY favorite patriotic song: