What have we learned today?

We learned today that just because you don't have a driver's license, that's no reason you can't drive a huge fucking M-1 tank around Kuwait (that would be me in the blue).

Big day today. First we got a look at the command center at Camp Arifjan. Strangely, all their web browsers were set to the Radio Equalizer. For some reason, that giant map cracked me up. That is the United States Army's working map of Iraq. There it is. That's the map. The map of Iraq. Actually, I can't explain why exactly it's funny to me -- it's by no means a laughable or inferior map. It's a fine map. But, yup. That's the map of Iraq. The one the Army uses. That's the map.



We did some heavy meetin'-'n-greetin' as well. Met Sar'n Day, big Franken fan and photojournalist for the Army. Doesn't he look like Patrick Murphy? He's even from Pennsylvania.



Then it was time to go look at some heavy machinery.





Here's a fun little game for you. Try to estimate the total retail value of what you see in those two pictures. Then multiply that number by, like, a hundred gazillion. Because there were tanks, Bradleys, and Humvees stretching literally as far as the eye could see. I'm seriously hoping that the next major threat to our national security is the Russian Army, because we could totally take them.

And, yes, I drove the tank. It's pretty easy, just like driving a car, according to people who have driven cars. It's actually controlled more like a motorcycle -- rotate the bar towards you, and things start getting squished at a higher rate of speed and efficiency. I'm pretty sure I almost ran the thing off the road trying to make a turn at one point, but it all worked out. I think. Honestly, I'm not sure you would notice if you ran over anything smaller than another tank in that sucker.

Oh, and then we did our first show, which went great. How great?



Even the bad guys liked it!

Actually, those are the Taliban Cheerleaders, played by Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

I'm exhausted. The show was three hours long, and then there was, I think, four and a half days of autograph signing afterwards. In the van on the way back, I actually fell asleep on Moraine Records recording artist Keni Thomas. Sorry again, Keni.

So, more tomorrow, including more pictures of me trying to look cool while driving the M-1. If you're particularly attached to my MySpace picture, I'd suggest making a copy now, because I think it may be about to be replaced.